8,765 days

It’s that time of year again
Where tears flow like rivers
The wound deep like a canyon
Sometimes feeling the pain is better than nothing at all
Sometimes it crushes me under the weight
If I could only sleep in the void of nothingness
Instead of the cloud of nightmare fuel
Feelings of emptiness that wane and wax like the moon
Waves of grief sorrow terror and panic wash over me
A promised spring that never came
Grief is love with no where to go they say
And I again am lost in it
Engulfed in it
Waiting to be swallowed by another monster
There isn’t enough coffee or nicotine in the world to clear my head
And the pillow only acts as something to soak up the tears
8,765 days

© Missi The Broken Doll 2022


The girl

What do you think you’re doing?
Wipe those tears from your eyes
Suck it up princess
Soldiers don’t cry

You’ve got to be strong
Got to be firece
Do not show love
Do not show fear

Bottle your rage
Bottle your pain
Shut your damn mouth
I won’t tell you again

Stay on high alert
Watch listen and learn
Lock up your heart
Or else you will burn

We’ll tare up your mind
All in good time
Destroy who you are
Pretend it’s all fine

Put on this make up
Patch up your scars
Put on this mask
Hide who are

Don’t waste your time
You don’t need dreams
Be a good girl
You’ll never be free

They don’t love you
They’re just like me
They don’t really care
It’s a cycle you see

Give them what they want
Be what they need
Cater to them
Be their everything

Lose all your hope
All the light in your eyes
No one can save you
And few will even try

You’ll never be right
You’ll never be clean
You’ll never be loved
You’ll never be anything

So shut your damned mouth
And do as you’re told
Be a good girl
And no one will know

© Missi The Broken Doll 2022

The stars fall from the sky (Geminids 12.13.2021)

Another day has gone by and you are on my mind
So tonight I sit in the cold staring up at the sky
It’s fitting that it would be tonight of all nights, because today was your day
And tonight the stars fall from the sky

I slept all day, in and out of a haze from foggy memory to dream
I even baptized my self in the heat trying to drown away the pain
Remove the zombie staring back at me in the mirror with emptiness engulfing me
But tonight the stars fall from the sky

I sit outside watching them fall from the heavens
Fall like you did. Forever gone
The sky is clear and the air is cold and the tears burn my face. I didn’t notice until it was too late
It was beautiful like you
So I write as the stars fall from the sky

And they fall and I miss you. The tears stain my paper. The angels will come together in a few days. It will help to pick up the pieces you left behind.
But tonight the tears fall from my eyes as the stars fall from the sky

When my angels come together their creation is beautiful beyond compare. I know you’d hate it. You’ve never understood my love for them. But for a few moments I feel… it reminds me… I wonder if they….
But tonight the stars fall from the sky

Geminids in the sky, beautiful streaks of light, gone too soon burnt up into ashes reminding me that I still love you. I still miss you… so tonight I cry. Feeling sound begin to arise from my throat I choke it back as to not disturb the quiet stillness around me… Silently the tears fall from my eyes like the stars that fall from the sky.

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

Walk with me

Walk with me through a garden in the moonlight
Hand in hand, sweet smells, soft smiles
Eyes drinking in beauty
Jasmine perfumes, rose scented love
Fireflies and and warm embraces

Walk with me through a garden in the moonlight
Bare your soul and I shall bare mine
Love deeply surrounded by nature
Nurture the seed to full bloom
No words are needed to connect us

Walk with me through a garden in the moonlight
Remember me fondly as I remember you
Hold my heart in your gentle hands as you held me once
Keep memories sacred and precious in the forefront of your mind

And there I shall stay with you.
There I should be if you have need
Of warm embraces, of love eternal, sweet smells and soft smiles
Always in the garden, beneath the moon, always with you

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

Pas de deux

In my dreaming I see you
Keeping time pas de deux
A sad smile upon your face
Your heart in some secret place

You walk alone stained in deep red
Memories swarm through your head
You can not hide nor fight destiny
For you are linked by heart to me

Find meaning and me find meaning in you
In the moonlight, pas de deux
Find what was lost in loneliness longing
To find the souls true belonging

I see through the mask you wear
I see your loneliness and despair
Should you return to where it all began
Through guiding heart and forcefull hands

Waking depth and waking truth
Hand in hand, pas de deux
Waiting for loves sweet embrace
Fingertips gently trace

Should the curtain fall in the dances wake
Through torrential endless rains
A vision cast for someone’s dreams
Hiding deep in memories seams

You see me and I see you
When true love unites, pas de deux

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

In silence

She learned at a young age to cry in silence
As to not draw attention or disturb those around her
To hide her pain behind smiles and hugs
To hide her fear behind “I love yous”
To hide her bruises behind long sleeves year round
Walking on eggshells never making eye contact
Moving as silent as a ghost
As invisible as the wind
Having seen things that would drive anyone mad
Having felt pain that would bring grown men to their knees
The girl who was broken and only wanted to be left alone to dream her dreams for others
To make things beautiful and dance in the endless rain on a warm summer night
To sit under the full moon with her arms wrapped around someone who loved as she did
Who loved without pain
Who loved without condition
She tried to make her pain and hurts into something beautiful
Poured her love into others
And dreamed her dreams for them
Still crying in near silence
Loneliness still engulfs her heart
Her pain and hurts still hidden by sweet smiles hugs and “I love yous”
The bruises are now in her mind instead of her body
Never truly healed
Pouring the love from herself hoping that for a moment she may feel loved

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

The end

Sweet angel come back to me
In a bed of roses blue and red lie with me
Wipe my tears and drink of my sarrows
While the pain engulfs my heart

Oh my angel your light is brilliant
Can it take away my pain
Can it reorder time back to when I felt human again

Roses and loneliness
Drink deep of my grief
Gorge yourself on my darkness and longing
Wrap sad wings around me

Would you shelter me from the incoming storm
Would you hold me as my light dims and goes out
Would you warm me as I grow cold
Would you comfort me at the end

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

When I was sleeping

I fell asleep today…
I Dreamed of you and a boy with your name
Defiantly stating that you shouldn’t be named the same, lest people get confused

In reality I didn’t want to think of you when I thought of this boy
I did not want him to be confused in my mind with the monster that you could sometimes be..

The boy sang and had a voice like an angel
When he smiled at me, you looked on with jealousy and anger in your eyes
And when I smiled at him I knew that later I would feel your wrath

I believe that this boy went on to change his name, and I swear I heard his voice and still he sings like an angel..
only he could ever confirm that…

But then I woke up, with the curious feeling that your arms were around me
Remembering that though you could be a monster, I loved you anyway.

For a brief moment I could smell your scent
And hear your voice like the whispering of wind in my ears. For a brief moment I felt love again.

Tears falling from my eyes as I realize that I am alone. That you are forever gone into the ocean.
Back to the sea, back to earth
Back to the cosmos
Only alive in that space in the darkness of my mind

The place that can take away or give memories precious and sweet or
Terrifying and heart breaking
There you wait for me.
To give these trinkets of the past, back to me piece by piece.

As many fragments there as I have cried in tears. A price that I am willing to pay to even for a brief moment feel that love again.

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

Gray Sky

The sky is gray
The storm rolls in
The wind picks up
So it begins

I walk all alone
In the pouring rain
Amongst the trees
Holding in my pain

My thoughts turn to you
The tears fall down
But you can’t tell
As the thunder sounds

The lightning flash
It hurts my eyes
Here in the rain
It’s safe to cry

Soaked to the bone
The chill sets in
It matters not
My only warmth was him

Masked by the storm
Cries go unheard
I bow my head
Think of final words

And the storm breaks
Just like my heart
The blue sky returns
And I depart

I hide my pain
I wipe away the tears
I walk alone with out you
This was my biggest fear

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021

Love (Unconditional)

Have you ever forgiven someone
For far more than you should
Have you ever given someone
Everything that you possibly could

You would cry them an ocean
You would raise them up high
You would make them your whole world
While you watch yourself die

Unconditional, my love has always been.. unconditional.
Unconditional, even though you hurt, Unconditional.

Would you suffer in silence
All alone with your pain
Would you lose your self in grief
Would you shoulder all the blame

Could you walk away from everything
All that you love and know
Would you extinguish your own light
So another can reap what you sow

Unconditional, my love for you is still… Unconditional.
Unconditional, even through the pain, it’s Unconditional.

Using words, truth and love
Would you fight for your life
Would you show him your heart to defend yourself
Even if it made him cry

Unconditional… do you finally see.. unconditional
Unconditional… how love should really be… unconditional

When flowers are blooming off season
In the spring on moon lit night
Though all of the fear through all of the tears
She still dreams of when you held her tight

Pain and memories dancing
Limits broken like glass
You were all that she wanted
You belonged to her like she belonged to you, you were hers at last

Unconditional, she’ll always be yours… unconditional.
Unconditional, now you’ve seen the truth… unconditional.

She would always lie to protect you
Only for you would she bleed
For you she still suffers
Most of her heart you still keep

Would you keep a promise to one who is dead
To protect those you love still alive
Could you love them forever, love that won’t be severed
Even after they’ve died

Unconditional, after all you’ve done… Unconditional.
Unconditional, Even though you’re gone, love you, Unconditional.

Would you break another’s heart
By calling him brother and friend
Hiding your love and your feelings
So that you won’t hurt him

Watching over him silently
through all the years
Holding memories close
fighting back all the tears

Unconditional… You’ve always understood her… unconditional
Unconditional.. my forever loves… you will always be… unconditional.

You swore to always protect him
from knowing all your pain
But because of things unforseen
He found out anyway

To protect someone from yourself
Would you send them away
Never be in their presence again
When all you wanted was for them to stay

Unconditional.. even when you didn’t know.. unconditional
Unconditional… I’ve always loved you dear, unconditional.

Would you break what was left of your heart
Even though you heard his call
Always loving him from a distance
Better than not being allowed to love him at all

He can pull you from hell
He can light up the dark
And he still keeps safe
What is left of her heart

Unconditional, I hope you still feel the love… Unconditional.
Unconditional, my love will always be, Unconditional.

© Missi The Broken Doll 2021